Peace, that's what I need

In Washington D.C. right now. So so tired... I was annoyed by so many things.
What's wrong with the weather? What's wrong with this science museum? What's wrong with my brother? What's wrong with the subway system? Nothing, nothing is wrong. They are just the way they are. The problem is in me, myself.
I almost lost my peace in my mind. Half of the day was quite good, which was the part driving from Atlantic City to Washington D.C. It was 3 and a half hours long, but it was not boring. I could sleep a little bit so that nap compensated for frequently being awaken during last night. Then I had some conversations about my major and my brother's future with my parents. Yes, everything went good until we arrive at Washington.
It was almost 2:30 in the afternoon. It was so so hot and humid. Our parents dropped my brother and me off near Smithsonian Institution so that we could enjoy the rest of afternoon. Then they went to our hotel to check in, since they have been to Washington many years ago. I decided to go to National Air and Space Museum first. I'm very willing to go to a place related to science such as Natural History museum or Science Museum. I was expecting something fabulous. Like the one in Chicago. That science museum in Chicago was the best among I've ever been. Then this national air and space museum was quite... shabby. There were a lot of explanations on the board. Not simple at all. Font was also too small. Nobody paid attention to the explanation.
Then Hirshhorn Museum. It's an art museum. I really liked the pictures and sculptures. I would say that I was happy until that moment. Then something happened. My brother lost his camera and I know why. He didn't walk around the museum with me, he just played Nintendo. Then we went outside, he noticed what he lost and it took a long hour to get it back from guard. I was waiting outside.. I tried very hard not to scold or be angry at his careless behavior. And I managed my feeling.
We walked a bit to subway station. It's a long way from capital hill to our hotel. I wanted to ask the officer how to get a 'plastic' fare card then my English got stucked in my head and wasn't as smooth as I intended. Then that officer got me a 'paper' fare card and told me that I have to go to metro office to get plastic one. So we walked from one end of subway station to the other end almost three times. Soooooooooo tired. Besides, my brother was complaining about my undecisive way to get a ticket. That murmuring came from fatigue, and I know that he wasn't actually complaining about me. Anyway we arrived at the metro office but the 'plastic' fare card was 5 dollars each. What? In Boston, Charlie card is FREE@!!!! Nonsense...
I didn't express my fatigue and anger outside. Instead, I was quiet during the whole evening and night, just doing computer stuff and reading Bible. Still I don't know how to deal with my anger. I just wish there would be someone whom I can call anytime and tell my story and get comfort.
God, please help me. Please calm me down. I know you are the one I have to ask for peace. Pleas, our Father. I'm just so fragile... Let me stay in calm. I don't want to ruin the last trip in US 2009. I don't want to repeat the same mistakes I made today. I don't want to get angry with my brother or my parents.
Please, deliver us from evil one....

Random thoughts...

What am I thinking now? Even I took a pill of allergy medication for sleeping, it's not working... First day it worked, then after that day it's not working anymore. Tried to call the doctor, then he didn't get his phone.

I'm sitting on the floor, and will fall asleep on the floor since there's no bed or desk or chair in my room. There's no light at all which I can turn on if I turn off my laptop. But thank God, I got a piece of blanket :)

Having a migrane during daytime, I was quite sad until right before I met Grisel, and then Miho and Adela. I was trying to write letters for people I want to thank, but well... I wrote some letters, but not as much as I expected. Ahhhhhh now the problem is there are no more letter paper and envelop. Where can I write? I shouldn't have spent all of my money...

Such a bad daughter I am... I feel like I'm torturing my parents until the moment I go back to Daejun. I wanted to help them to pack and clean but I didn't. Well, usually my priority is 'relationship' and among the people I have relationship with, I think friends are prior to family, in my case. So I went out to meet my friends for the last time and just let the rest of my family deal with all the stuff moving out. Then now I'm feeling so guilty... Of course I did 'my' packing and dealt with 'my' room. But I know this is not enough. This is just being selfish. I want to make an opportunity to repay for their favors.

Oh, now I can understand Jiyeon. Packing is such a hard job. I'm not physically exhausted at all, but emotionally, I just want to give up everything I'm doing. I want to give up getting sleep, give up praying, give up the trip to Washington, give up being nice to other people. But I'm so sure that I'll never give up, since God is with me and he knows every tear that comes from my eyes. Yes, I'll just pray and have some private time with God. I will be okay tomorrow...

Isaiah 45:7 ESV
I form light and create darkness, I make well-being and create calamity, I am the Lord, who does all these things.

Cannot sleep

I tend not to sleep when I feel bored. There is some feeling guilty about doing nothing. Because of that guiltiness, sometimes I don't want to sleep. It seems like my body doesn't understand why I have to sleep. Knowing what I have to do and taking action are quite different. Yeah, the latter is harder. Yesterday I slept at 5:30 in the morning... wow... I have to wake up at 7:30 today, and now it's already almost 2 o'clock... I don't know what's gonna happen :(
Thesedays I'm trying to rearrange things in my mind. Maybe because of this rearranging process, I don't want to sleep. During daytime, I guess I'm doing pretty well. I read books I borrowed (there are five books!!) and think about what to do when I go back. Just starting reading habit 3 of 7 habits of highly effective people, I'm trying to move on to action. So far, I tried to proact. For example, I'm trying to answer politely to my parents and playing with my brother before I move out from my house. That was habit 1. Guess it's working pretty well, except on my sleeping.
Habit two is 'keep the end in your mind'. And in this chapter, the concept of mission statement appears. I tried to write it, but it was hard.... :( Will I be able to write even one sentence? Still working on it...
I'll write my mission statement on this blog. Now just realized that I don't 'have to' write my diaries on my notebooks, 'cause typing is much faster than handwriting and fast enough to keep up my thoughts. When my trying to handwrite what I was thinking, the scrawling makes me feel excited as if the piece of writing becomes more meaningful. On the other hand, I cannot overtake my random thoughts.

Anyway, really really need to sleep, but there's no desire to sleep.... I need to pray, but I think I'm not trying enough. Please, my friends, ask God to make me extreeeeeeeemely tired so that I would go to sleep earlier. What should I do now, 2 o'clock in the morning?

State street

Walking by myself...
The second 'official' date with God :)

Reservoir station

I will miss this sunset sky at Reservoir station... for sure.

The first official round cake

:) I made this for Alan's BBQ party!! Successful~

The sermon from Joni Eareckson Tada

I had very bad nightmares during last one week as if those will happen in near future. I didn't go to 11 o'clock service. Lying on my bed and crying out to God, suddenly I had a strong desire to go outside whatever I was going to do.


I came to downtown around 2:30. I hadn't eaten something until then, so I had salad at Quincy
market alone and walked a bit. It reminded me when I first came to Boston downtown. I had chosen not to eat lunch because I was alone. Korean usually feel weird when he eat by himself. Now I don't mind eating alone. I changed a lot :) Walking on the streets I've never been before helped my heart to calm down and saved me from the nightmare I had last night.


Then I went to at 4'o clock service. Joni Eareckson Tada gave a great sermon today. The whole service was so touching. I really cried out even during worship.

She is the last guest speaker I meet before I leave Boston. Here's the note I wrote during her speaking.


"Thank God for He is good. How can God be good? God must be somewhere off, only interested in other people. How can He be trustworthy? How can someone explain His will?

Was Jesus' suffering on the cross for God's will? Of course. But how can murder, torture, betrayal can be God's will?

World's worst murder becomes world's greatest salvation. Even though in the same bad accident, God's purpose and that of Satan are different. God permits what he hates across to accomplish what He wants.

After all he gave good things to me, still He doesn't look good. When our soul is bleeding, we can't stop the pain. We ask questions, crying out to God, but still the answers don't reach to our heart. That's not what we want. All we really want is true assurance that says someday we will be recovered. We want God to be the center of our suffering and everything to be okay.

He's not so quick to give us answers, but He is there. He is the anwer and the world.

God allows suffering so that there's no gap between God and us. He does not allow seperation from His love. We are the ones who fail to follow him. We forget our sin.

Here's the story from 'The Chronicles of Narnia'. Aslan is the king of animals. Lucy(not sure) asks Mrs. Beaver if Aslan is a human. Aslan is a lion. Then Lucy askes again, how can other animals can not be go in front of him and bow down. He is scary, because he is lion. Then Mrs. Beaver says this quote. "Of course he is not safe, but he is good."


I also attended 6 o'clock service. I wanted to meet her personally and ask a question.

After service, I met her and explained what I'm being suffered so far and asked her why do you think God chose me to suffer all those things. I knew it was just a silly question, but it was important to me. Why me? He could have others live my life. I just wanted to live normal. Why all these nightmares happen to me?

Her answer was 'I don't know'. I was expecting an answer of her case. Actually the question I wanted to ask was this; What do you think is the reason why God chose you to be a person who cannot use hands and legs?

Yeah... Nobody knows why. But she prayed for me for a moment. I was holding her hand. She reminded me to memorize Bible verses and keep repeating them after nightmares. Her hands were cold but her eyes were so warm. I hugged her... She was an angel to me.



Thanks to our Father for letting me listen to her sermon. Thanks God, for raising her from discouragement and making her a light among us....

On Independence day

The city I love.... This is Boston.
Pictured by Raymond Yim on Independence day :)

To be a two-leaf-clover

I was running around my home today for 1 and half hour. It feels so great and fresh when I run against the rain and wind, as if God washes me and make me clean. Or as if I'm running against all the rules of this world. At one moment I was in a park. Everything was green. I lied down on the grass and found that there were clovers between my legs.

Sky was gray.

I was just focusing on a group of clovers. They were all 3-leaf. You know, as common sense, people usually try to find 4-leaf one. Yeah, there are few 4-leaf-clovers in this world because of mutation. People think when they got one 4-leaf-clover, that means they got one piece of luck. Then how about 2-leaf-clovers? Are those hard to make? Nah, just get rid of one leaf from a normal clover. But I'm pretty sure it is hard to find as its natural condition.

Now let me think... If people all want to be a person like 4-leaf-clover, who has a bunch of luck in his or her life, they will always fail to content with themselves. 4-leaf-clovers are just naturally born and we cannot be just naturally born with a lot of luck. There are some people who have enough luck to make themselves happy but we cannot be like those people. If we keep trying to be 4-leaf-clover-person, we will never be content with our current condition.

Then how about 2-leaf-clovers? I haven't seen a clover which is naturally born with 2 leaves, so I'll assume that it is harder to find. But all clovers can be 2-leaf-clovers which are more special and rare than 4-leaf-clovers. The process needs one touch of nature (including human) and pain. And 3-leaf-clovers probably not want to lose one leaf because if they lose, they'll lose one source that they get their energy. But still, they can live. We are just like 3-leaf-clovers, normal, ordinary and nothing-interesting people. We are greedy and don't want to lose our luck. Being envy of 4-leaf-clovers, always blame someone else who are not responsible of our 3-leaf-condition. We can also be special. Just one touch from God. He will take one leaf away from us. Yes, the process is very painful. But still, I think the result worth it. God wants to make us all special, and the process of living life can be painful. If I'm not 4-leaf, then I'll just move on to be 2-leaf even though I will be suffered.

Adela, Seunghee, Miho and Stefanie (from left)

Already miss you all... Thank you so much, for everything :)

Why did I stop thinking?

Wow... A lot of thoughts are coming through my brain. I cannot arrange those thoughts properly. I tried to write diary, but ended up just a bunch of digressions...





During last 1 and half year, I think I stopped thinking deeply. I was afraid of falling into a infinite loop. Actually, I'm still afraid of the randomness of my thoughts. Those tend to make me depressed, so I was actually being afraid of being depressed. You know, there are some people who never fell in depression because they are so busy and don't have much time to think about something. Being afraid of having much time, I was trying to behave as a workaholic and still I think I am. Just trying to find something to do... to spend free time...